[Scottsdale] Alma

https://suno.com/song/1ac11d05-1f46-4cdb-a5ba-82280d7eb4d9?sh=nglIX5zF1HmDtDT0

I’m the patron Saint of modelo. This place looks too good for me. There is a happy endings portion of the menu. I’m getting one of the hepatitis tonight. 

Lot of words on this menu that I know. The waitress shows up with a sparkler and some shots but we didn’t order them. I’m confused but this is ok

We ordered three jugs of joy which is one more than normal. Fuckin 200 dollars in tequila and they gave it to them bridesmaids next to us.  Tastes like a margarita. Little humid?

Queso we got a lot of cheese but not a lot of things to put in the cheese. Guess I’m going in with my finger. Some dollar cravings toco bell shit.  This some AI generated guac I think this just smashed avocado.

Assorted salsas good. They are special. Chips are fresh but not warm enough and could do better. Like a dodge charger. We ordered some blueberry cornbread idk how this Paula Deen shit is Mexican. Yeah tastes like cornbread 

Bathrooms pretty good Cept they left the bleach out. Really kills the ambiance. Good water flow.  Lotta surfaces in here you could change a baby on. 

Flatiron steak. Now I got all this guac to myself. Steak a lil charred. I don’t like how they wrapped my tortillas in some fake newspaper This ain’t fish n chips. 

Mushroom enchiladas.  Better than most enchiladas. They don’t rely on chicken to carry the dish. Prefer a party pack from Taco Bell to this dish tho

Corn chowder also weird for a Mexican restaurant but pretty good. Chicken taco supposed to be good but this guy is trying to give them away. 

Quesadillas are delicious. Pair well with wintergreen zyn. I 

Birria tacos making a lot of introspection about whether tacos are supposed to come with cheese. They don’t and that’s ok I guess. Taxis slap tho. 

Salmon is just good there’s nothing else to say

We are starting to argue really loudly in front of all these bridesmaid. Now I’m starting to yell. Got beans all over my shirt. I’m starting to spiral. Waitress can’t tell us where to go next tells us to check our phones. We’ll check your phone this place gets 5.8 /9.9

Epilogue. I threw up in the parking lot. Then went back into the restaurant and threw up there. 

[Shoreline] Las Brasas del Volcan

I’ve been having a whole lot of Tex lately and not enough mex. There is a sizzle on the wind in this place. all kinds of deals on the walls I’m trying to wrap my head around. Cups are noteworth

The ambiance in here is chaotic and the chairs are way too heavy. Music is a fuckin cacophony of baby talk and soprano singing like there’s a baby watching SAP cocomelon on an iPad. After a while I realize there is an actual baby watching an iPad and the music is pretty normal for a Mexican restaurant. 

Some of this shit in the menu has been redacted   They got a salsa bar on the back wall which I’m really excited about. They sent this lady with bad eyes out to check IDs. 

Chips and beans. Chips are thick, pita-like and made in house. Taste like chips and beans. These beans got one ingredient beans. Guac  gets an A. Salsa bar options are red and green both good with a kick. lot of challenges with these salsa receptacles. 

Margarita is so big it reminds me of those fever dreams when things are the wrong size. could bob for apples in this thing. I think it’s hard for the human brain to comprehend the volume of fluids 

Francisco Hurache. I ordered this cause I liked the name. The lettuce is too wet. This is good but I’m having a head time figuring out what I’m eating. Maybe it’s the margarita. 

Carne asada. This looks mean. Got some good green sauce. 

Enchiladas. It’s ok I don’t know why I got enchiladas. It’s good. 

Chamorro. The pork is render and juicy and the handmade tortillas are parallel to none 

Chile relleno. Came with a fresh towel. Tortillas amazing and sauce is excellent. A+

Birthday flan was good but cold 

I need to talk about this waitress. She is so loud. Stern, but kind. A boss and a figure I can open up to. I can hear her from the bathroom and the parking lot. I want to highlight her parrot necklace. 

Bathroom what the hell. Bad waste paper basket placement. There’s not enough legroom for a medium. Or large sized man in this stall. You gotta be 5’4 or under to shit in here. 

An intense and tasty place. A rare win but the bathroom. 8.93/10.2

[Mexico] Ensenada

 Ensenada

After two days at sea   we make it to Mexico 

Papas and beer. This is the most over stimulating shit I’ve ever experienced. I got whistles blowing in my face. Airhorns going off and abuelas trying to sell me Cubans . 3 hombres trying to seat me at different tables simultaneously. They got no Modelo? Beers come with authentic Mexican dirt on the rim. Margaritas are meh

I got the Jesus on the cross tinnitus experience so we ordered some guac. Looks legit but we only got 7 chips. A lil spicy and Tasty but too much salt. The vibes here are not immaculate but it’s how it should be. 

Next bar has no name and absolutely no electricity. There’s a guy selling garlic cloves on the street outside. I’m on my Wario shit so this is a good move. There’s some Good watching up here. A little guy with a whip. Had to use the ladies bathroom in the dark I could really use some silent disco headphones. These Mexican faucets are something else

 

Some tacos came up. First thoughts. Salsa is spicy and good Tex on the meat. Tortilla shell anove avg. they have a great habanero salsa. Views are excellent. I am in a solid 

Stop 3 hossongs. Sounds like a Chinese place but this is it where the marg was invented. It’s good. I like the salt. It’s very positive. There’s a mariachi group performing in here. I threw an elbow at the maraca guy my mistake. Now I can’t get up to take a piss cause I’d upset the mariachi guy. Do I have to jump this table? This bathroom is in 1892. Why does this faucet have a condom on it

Anthony bordains tostada stand. It was ok I guess I took a selfie with the lady. I thought cod was white but I got a beef tartare or some shit. 

 

Bar andluz - Mary immaculate 6th grade hurricane vibes. Bout to renew my faith in god over the mango marg. “Nothing is more terrifying than an adult Catholic convert”. To bring it all home I got a mexican glizzy. Soft bun. Ketchup lacks viscosity. It’s growing on me. 

 

Ensenada Mexico overall 4.1/10. I feel bad for my friend who thought we were cruising to Cabo.

[Government Camp] The Taco Shoppe

Pre-lgaming we are trying to figure out what this places menu is like. The website has coupons and a gallery but no food list. Do I need to print this? The Airbnb doesn’t have an epson.

I walk in and there’s a sub 13 year old working the register. I like the merch this place offers. Multiple TVs with cable. What upsets me is the emphasis on coffee like this place doesn’t want to full send on being a Mexican restaurant. The menu is in comic sans. I think I trust this 9 year old he runs a tight shop too bad he can’t make the margs. “The child labor makes it more authentically Mexican” - a person of Mexican descent. I can’t get over this kid he doesn’t call his mom “mom” he calls her Judy

Margs - strong and I like it. The modelo and Diet Coke are alright too. A tequila Diet Coke was ordered and they actually served it but there’s a lack of equity in these cup sizes

Fish tacos - two layers of flour tortillas which is weird but it’s good. Rice misses, beans good. Bullish on it (cheap labor)

Chicken burrito - ya know itsnsolid but it’s not gonna blow your mind I’m also very hungry. Food comes out fast here there’s still not chips and salsa and it’s ruining the flow of my paulhub review. Toward the end we lost containment.

I like how wrapped the tacos are. They look pretty good when they get undressed. The person who ordered these tacos called the filling “hamburger meat” so the opinions are invalid

5 meals been served but Chips and salsa are finally out. Worth the wait. This salsa is fire. Really strong habanero kick. Chips have a pita vibe

Wet New Mexico burrito. Playoff caliber sauce. Rice a lil Al dente. I’m getting dry vibes so could be wetter I guess. This place is so New Mexico themed it got us talking about visiting Mexico

Enchilada came out in some baby plate cause they ran out of aluminum. Had to order more sauce. On the menu u had a plural on the number of items. Lil disappointed.l but the beans are flavorful.

Bathroom is pretty fuggin sick it’s got a sancho wanted poster. Toilet seats kinda hangs loose. There is a December calendar hung up and it’s currently January 2024. The more I look around the more I feel like I’m stuck inside an escape room. Adequate soap and water pressure.

Fuck we forgot to use those coupons but This place is a NEW Mexican gem minus the rice. 7.8/9.3

[Packwood] Nachos

This places slogan “yes, we are open” brings me back to the happy memories of COVID lockdown. I roll up at 4 pm a couple Michelin ultras deep. Not even hungry but here we go.

First take is this place smells good. I locked eyes with a guy in the kitchen. Well it doesn’t smell like packwood. There’s a lot of Valentine’s Day shit up which I guess they celebrate in Mexico. There’s a lot of maps in this place

Chips and salsa have a garlic kick. Pretty good. Chips are probably Juanita’s but at least they microwaved them. I like the number of specific digits on the menu prices. Queso dip does not give me joy. This is some fuckin jar queso. I can’t remember the brand but it’s the kind I wouldn’t eat if someone pulled it out at a tailgate

Margaritas come up to 40 oz. We got 8 and they came all at once. This waitress is strong as shit. I’m not trying to do math but there’s a good tequila ratio in here.

Enchiladas verde. I like the plate. Beans aight. Rice aight. Verde sauce is good. They missed the enchilada when they poured it on. Not the warmest in the middle.

Chile Colorado. Lol this shit looks like dog food. Taste like cube meat drizzled with A1 sauce and a lil paprika.

Burrito Al pastor. Wtf this so big for. Long and strong. 13 inch or so. Pretty good taste 7.10/10. I didn’t wanna eat it all but I did.

Chipotle camarones it’s creamy. The right amount of cream. If I were allergic to shrimp I wouldn’t eat this.

Pollo chipotle. I think I like it. This is traditional Jalisco or so I would say if I knew Jalisco.

Camarones con cream. Not cam bells cream of mushroom. It’s good I can’t tell what ocean the shrimp are from though. This dish had exactly one slice of bell pepper.

Tacos. Mid. I think these were supposed to be appetizers cause everyone’s else’s food is better than mine.  I’m literally taking the dregs of the salsa and pouring it on. I like that wet taco. Let’s spoon some shipotle on. Wish the table had hot sauce

Bathrooms. Across from the “TRUCKIN ROOM By Jim and patty”.  Doorknob pretty greasy. All the amenities if ever need. Like how they give a urinal option. Good water pressure on sink. Employees given ample instructions to wash hands

I feel like this was a BDSM experience because I’m full but it hurt me a lot to get here. Final thought. We keep asking for the check but they won’t bring it. I don’t know how much longer I can keep packing my wood here. I’m in packwood eating at a Mexican restaurant. This is about what I expect. 2.56/10