[Packwood] Nachos

This places slogan “yes, we are open” brings me back to the happy memories of COVID lockdown. I roll up at 4 pm a couple Michelin ultras deep. Not even hungry but here we go.

First take is this place smells good. I locked eyes with a guy in the kitchen. Well it doesn’t smell like packwood. There’s a lot of Valentine’s Day shit up which I guess they celebrate in Mexico. There’s a lot of maps in this place

Chips and salsa have a garlic kick. Pretty good. Chips are probably Juanita’s but at least they microwaved them. I like the number of specific digits on the menu prices. Queso dip does not give me joy. This is some fuckin jar queso. I can’t remember the brand but it’s the kind I wouldn’t eat if someone pulled it out at a tailgate

Margaritas come up to 40 oz. We got 8 and they came all at once. This waitress is strong as shit. I’m not trying to do math but there’s a good tequila ratio in here.

Enchiladas verde. I like the plate. Beans aight. Rice aight. Verde sauce is good. They missed the enchilada when they poured it on. Not the warmest in the middle.

Chile Colorado. Lol this shit looks like dog food. Taste like cube meat drizzled with A1 sauce and a lil paprika.

Burrito Al pastor. Wtf this so big for. Long and strong. 13 inch or so. Pretty good taste 7.10/10. I didn’t wanna eat it all but I did.

Chipotle camarones it’s creamy. The right amount of cream. If I were allergic to shrimp I wouldn’t eat this.

Pollo chipotle. I think I like it. This is traditional Jalisco or so I would say if I knew Jalisco.

Camarones con cream. Not cam bells cream of mushroom. It’s good I can’t tell what ocean the shrimp are from though. This dish had exactly one slice of bell pepper.

Tacos. Mid. I think these were supposed to be appetizers cause everyone’s else’s food is better than mine.  I’m literally taking the dregs of the salsa and pouring it on. I like that wet taco. Let’s spoon some shipotle on. Wish the table had hot sauce

Bathrooms. Across from the “TRUCKIN ROOM By Jim and patty”.  Doorknob pretty greasy. All the amenities if ever need. Like how they give a urinal option. Good water pressure on sink. Employees given ample instructions to wash hands

I feel like this was a BDSM experience because I’m full but it hurt me a lot to get here. Final thought. We keep asking for the check but they won’t bring it. I don’t know how much longer I can keep packing my wood here. I’m in packwood eating at a Mexican restaurant. This is about what I expect. 2.56/10

[Bend] Hola!

Bend OR cause it’s someone’s birthday. Stern but unclear instructions on where to sit. The ambiance is somewhere between a Ron Jon surf shop and a turtle sanctuary gift shop. I like the copper top on this table but I can smell it. I wonder how often the proprietors Polish this. Words on the menu are too spanish

Chips and salsa. Unconventional fantastic. There’s a green one with tomatillo maybe. Maybe it’s just Cilantro. orange one tastes like meat. There’s some Tajin in the bottom of my water cup. I’m probably responsible for this but I can’t be sure. Chip refills are very effective. 

 

Waiter Is a friendly chap he told me to get a red cactus flavor margaritav pitcher so I am. Red cactus came with an orange slice like a blue moon. Maybe a little green onion stem too. salt and Tajin on the rim taking me on a ride. 

Man this waiter is great but I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. I guess Off the menu you can order a Sancho to creep in your house with a bad knee and fuck your wife. I love this guy. People in bend are so friendly. 

Sancho de La chancho - much bien. The tomato’s are juicy and hot. I can feel it. Will evaluate this later based on If I become a Sancho tonight 

Lenguado camarones - this good shit. I feel like I’m pitbull on a transcontinental flight. Red onions and a bunch of sea critters. Every now and then I discover a new sea creature and I like it. 

Enchiladas camarones - it’s alright. I give it a 4 out of 5. One star reduced because my fork is caca. Ya know all the ingredients are here but not cohesive. But I’m gonna be able to get through the night. 

Salad with rice and chicken - not the most risky order. It feels healthy 

Bowl of ceviche -a little limey. Fresh. 

Chile rellano - thumb up. I really like they put corn inside it. Sauce is tangy but savory at the same time. I’m pretty happy. 

Bathroom is outside the restaurant and you need a key to enter it. Seems like a lot of work to take a piss. I could in the same time go outside on a brick wall. Got sexually harassed in the bathroom by a man who looks like Ron Perlman. I don’t have much to say about this Bathroom overall was ok but not the best experience. I learned a lesson about being a lady in public

Overall 5.25/6.13 Sanchos. I am the Sancho and the sancho’d. The Sanchode. 

[Richland] Inca Mexican Restaurant

This is the third restaurant I’ve tried to eat at tonight so here I am.

Bathrooms- they got a separate sound system in here playing Spanish R&B. Mens and womens restroom were easily distinguishable. There’s a circuit breaker about 3 ft away from the toilet. Why? I’m sure violates some kind of electrical code. If power goes out in the restaurant the man locked in here taking a shit is the only one capable of keeping the restaurant running. I can’t stop thinking about this. I like the tile work. Good flow on the faucets.

Ambiance: quiet. There is no music. A television plays NFL silently. The sound of my molars grinding against corn chips is the only soundtrack in here. Ceiling has a fair amount of water damage but I can’t judge. We are all damaged. Just noticed There’s a SECOND circuit breaker out here

Salsa cold, Ragu like. Thin with few chunks of veggies. Not sure where or why they source this

The salsa is bad but the Art Deco in this place. Brings me to the hacienda. Gorgeous scenes of baby lambs and stallions in their stables. An industrial printer. I kinda don’t like these chips but I won’t stop eating them. All 4 salsas on this table are distinclt different

Drink: Raspberry margarita. Came with an orange for some reason like a blue moon. Low in tequila like a blue moon should be too. Striation in the blend makes this look like Jupiter. Got to the bottom and now I just feel empty. There’s olives in the house marg which I think is illegal. Non blended margs come out with a shaker. Diet Pepsi tasted like Diet Pepsi I think.

Why is a quesadilla an appetizer?

California burrito - who the fuck taught these people what a California burrito is. no avocado on this motherfucker. Maybe the avocado is in the burrito? Nope. Looks like a salad. Too much mole sauce.

Enchilada suizas - tasty but generic. The refried beans stand alone as king of this dish. Everything is coleslaw

Carne a safe burrito - there’s a whole fucking avocado on this burrito. I’m beyond triggered.

Carne asada - tortillas are whatever. It’s very large. There’s a lot of uncertainty in this meal

Seafood burrito - scallop are off color. But there are a lot of them which I like. Every dish has a salad that tastes like the inside of an egg roll. Cheesy linguini sauce on this burrito

Mole - this mole sauce on most dishes is fucking awful. I imagine the recipe consists of sweet baby ray BBQ sauce and water.

Enchiladas 3 ways - it’s pretty good. I like the cream enchilada the best and it was what kind I was looking forward to the least.

I give this place a 1.4/10. If this building had no mole it would shoot up to a 4.5. There’s music now and it’s fucking ABBA.

[Denver] Federales

After so reviewing so many shitty Mexican restaurants I’ve decided to review a place that actually slaps.

I walk up at 4:45 pm to miss the crowd. How the fuck are there so many people here at 4:45 already. Door man had a bandaid like Nelly. I didn’t want to ask him about it. My friend was a little upset that the hostess didn’t smile at him.

I see some Dave chihuly ass marg pitchers and I know what I need. one of these 16 bartenders make the wrong marg and the waitress let us keep it. Maybe they know a paulhub exclusive is in the works. Raspberry marg is fuckin gas. It’s thick like a milkshake. I’m getting out of breath suckin this straw. Next I got the skiny marg and am not feeling this body shamed drink. But fuck I ordered knowing this.

Bathroom. I knew it was the bathroom because the Duck taped men’s restroom sign on the wall. Inside the music was way too loud. I had a hard time pissing cause I felt like Coldplay was yelling at me. While pissing I got to read about their tequila shot rewards program here. I feel good about that. Soap came out of a machine. I couldn’t dry my hands

Chips and salsa. I’m not impressed by the visuals of these chips but Fuck they good. Warm and seasoned Salsa is has a spicy kick. Probably did not come from a jar. I’m enjoying taking these fat scoops of salsa to burn my tongue then sucking down marg. We are to chickenshit to ask if more chips and salsa are free

Enchiladas. Smoked chicken really has that smoke taste. Not like I’m eating a chewed up black n mild, but like they put some damn work in it. Green tomatillo sauce is hot fire. Enchiladas so good I keep forgetting I have rice and beans. Why is everything so spicy. Rice and beans don’t have much going on

Tacos. Spicy chicken is banging. Don’t break when I eat them 10/10. Gotta go back to the menu to figure out what I’m eating. They get bonus points for filling up the tacos a lot

Taquitos. Could use a bit more flavor. Thought the sauce was going to be more spicy. It’s some marinara shit? The waitress looks like the girl scott pilgrim had to fight and she oversold it. Tried it myself and thought it was solid

Verdict: 9.7 casa bonitas / 10

[Orlando] Mexico - D*sney Food and Wine Festival

Here I am at the happiest place on earth. All day ive been avoiding collision with the sat of the earth in their motor scooters. We arrive in Mexico world surrounded by 23 year olds, bachelorettes but it’s ok. I’ve been a little tipsy since Ireland.

Bathrooms. What the fuck does Donald Duck have to do with Mexico? God I have to piss but Epcot has three bathrooms. If I drink a corona in Mexico I shouldn’t have to go to Norway to piss it out. I’m doing my best to hold it in.

Margs - came out with a nipple on top. I got no salt on the rim. THANK GOD the one with salt tasted like old bay. There is some Neil patrick Harris mix drink for $30 I’m not interested in.

Went to the tequila cave. Long line and I was told not to pee in the bushes. Maybe $400 later the part releases from the cave quite roasted.

Tacos trio - better than expected. Could have had more food. What kind of flavor? Smokey? Chile? Dry ass chicken.

Chips and guac. Guac is ok. At least it’s not some Costco shit. Chips are atrocious like dear god Disney could have stock up on $1.99 juanitas and slayed this but they are giving people sub-Tostitos level corn

Empanada con quest. Surprisingly good texture and consistency. Rice and beans undercooked. Overpriced but I liked that. They were better than I expected. The key to enjoying your food at Epcot is low expectation

Pollo Costco ball - what do you think about it? No response. I wouldn’t order this at a Mexican restaurant.

Nachos - jalapeños give it a nice kick. A step up from typical Naxos however it lacked what I needed to give it a W over Taco Bell.

Barbados taco - the taco was the right size. What kind of fucking feedback is this? “Barbacoa slivers we’re the right size so that they didn’t stick in my teeth” thanksdawg

I smell, but everyone else does too. Probably a plus that I havnt had to use the bathroom through this eating experience.

5.5 Ron DeSantis out of 10

[Richland] 3 Margaritas

I walk into 3 margarita I see rope and horn. The menu is laminated. The waiter gives us chips and says sole thing. Is it in English or Spanish?

Chips quickly. like an MRe of corn and the salsa is good. It has the spicy kick I need Jesus fucking Christ they brought us 3 bowls of chips for 5. Chips are warm. Like it.

Is there Long Island ice tea? Yes. I got a "tarantula nana" marg. My buddy got the Cadillac (Kadlec) marg. Everyone got their I’d checked except for me. Got checked and I gave her my credit card. I gotta say this tarantula marg is weak.

You would think in such a festive place they would have festive music. But no. It is silent in here. Respectful? Why my marg the only one with no shit on the rim

Bathroom - the wall is not flat. But the tile work intricately matches the contours of this fucked up wall. Toilet didn’t flush right and homie did damage.

Why are there so many people here? can Anyone tell if these tortillas are flour or corn?

Chimichanga. The rice is really good and it’s the most approachable thing. The he celery adds a lot to the meal. There is a difference between the pork and the asada. Gotta put my mask back on

Carne asade burrito - goddamn good. Taste like my dad grilled It out on the porch. I’m stuffed but this is good ass food.

Cheeseburger and fries - annoyed that I really like it. They put two slices of cheese on the patty. The meat ain’t exceptional but a cheeseburger is about the cheese and they did it right. You got the char - it’s like a deluxe Burger King burger. Something Springy about the Patty. The good thing I have to say about this cheeseburger - it had two slices of American cheese

Chills rellano - kinda tastes like an eraser. Wrapped in an egg? Not sure. Cole slaw taste like kfc. I’d rather have an almond milk than this dogshit

Fajitas all kinds - they ok it’s food, tastes like it’s supposed to taste. These are really ok fajitas. A trio of disappointment because all meats have the same textures

Aftermath: driving home I felt that urge. The one. Came home and erupted what was left undigested, which was a lot. Mi amigo got a hell of a 2 am hangover from those Kadlec margs.

Price: margarita $12 but hey the steak was good. 1 to 9 tarantualas out of 10