[The Dalles] Ixtapa *COVID-19 TAKEOUT SPECIAL*

The coronavirus (thanks 5G) has taken over the country and our PNW governors have closed the dining rooms across countless family casual mexican restaurants in WA and OR. hoy, we dip across the SE border (into oregon, no wall) to enjoy takeout at Ixtapa in the Dalles.


Aestetic: cholo guy fieri aestetics. beautiful paintings all over this place, makes me wish we sat in here instead of on the rock plains. One cannot turn their eyes away from the Ixtapa opus day, a beautiful chiquita carrying 7 ears of corn over a mexican landscape accented by mount hood. Here in the Ixtapa, art and fantasy await at every turn of the head














Bathrooms: good soap, dim lighting, hot water. Could I wash a viral species off my hands in here? probably? It would be peaceful to take a bath in here.


Takeout thoughts. No knives is a community grievance, really needed them. Big portions were nice. the sky looked like it didnt render properly



plains of Rohan, East WA.





Dilla - fine, but was not cut. provided a constant reminder that a quesadilla is a form of sandwich, Had to be folded up and eaten like a taco because no plastic knives. Good guac.







Chips and salsa - standard. don’t have good things to say about the salsa. Too much ragu. the chips did not taste any better after being refrigerated.







Fried burrito - Both of these fucking dudes thought they were getting fried chicken in their burrito for some reason. Description should be “Chicken burrito, fried”. There’s no fried bullshit in this burrito, just a fried tortilla. There’s some dispute going on of which burrito components were actually fried. Clearly not the sour creme. Moist.







Burrito vegetal - good, classic, a little watery, guac and pinto beans were high points. Mushrooms were cut thick.







Chimichanga was under salted. Or maybe it’s a chalupa? What’s the difference?





Chicken ranchero - greasy boy that I didn’t need but it was goddamn filling. a solid two-mealer. Refried beans are a concerning shade of white beneath the melted cheese













Asada - I should have had a knife. Four tortillas was good, but the meal was kinda average. A solid positive on the tortilla. $20 was a lil steep.





Dessert: the gumballs at the dispenser here were GAS. I've never chewn a quarter-machine gumball and thought to myself "damn these taste fresh" before this experience.


second dessert - andes mints. Have you ever thought you shit yourself, but didnt shit yourself? dont leave andes mints in your pocket on a warm spring day. cleaning supplies are hard to find these days. the worst part was I didnt even get to eat any of the chocolate :(








Final thoughts: 4.5 chocolate car fobs out of 10. tasted like a Mexican restaurant in the Dalles, better than Mexican restaurants in England. standard to meh, yet comfortingly familiar, experience inspite of these trying times

[Mattawa] La lunchera veloz

La lunchera veloz 

The ol google pulled a switcharoo on me. Thought I was going to a restaurant called “restaurat la pasadia”, which I was drawn to because the 10 of the 13 google pictures were selfies of some dude in an Oakland raiders hat. I liked one of his photos and he took them all down though, some people just don’t wanna shine. I have a lot of questions about the decor and the quality of the HVAC work in this place

The proprietor of this place was very friendly. We were seated in a large empty ballroom. 

Drinks: they don’t sell anything except Jaritos and beer and I really love it. Corona came with a lime and I really like it

Condiments: I like that they have tapatio but I would not eat anything that comes out of this hole. This is the kind of shit middle school kids in Florida dare each other to suck out of. 

Carne asada. - looks straight up delectable. With my dirty ass hands I ate the shit out of this. 10/10 meat 5/10 rice and beans. Came with the spicy pepper 

Burger - yo how does this random ass Mexican restaurant in Mattawa make the meanest looking burger I’ve seen in my life. This plate got a royal welcome. People straight up mad that they didn’t order a burger

Burrito- made my man happy. Green sauce for the side is some Tangy green good stuff. Food so good we ordered more. A burger with a purpose.

Quesadilla - “all of my hopes and dreams” they took the rice and beans before we finished them all; the table was crushed 

They fed our vegetarian a meal with no vegetables. And she was extremely happy 

Tacos: wanted to take them back for meal prepping. Couldn’t resist eating them here tho. 

Enchiladas: not much to say, but good overall. Usually you get the mushed up beans, but these were like beans. Not refried. I’m not sure why. 8.3 out of 10.7 

Really well proportioned. Great price. Meal and beer was less than $20. 

I feel like I had a fever after leaving the shitter.  was no

• toilet seat
• LIGHTS
• door knob
• Paper towels

You have to do your business in the darkness or leave the bathroom door open and have everyone watch you do your business like a disgusting animal. I have good aim but I don’t trust the average Mattawan to not piss wildly all over that place. My amigo needs to shit and there’s no TP :( but there is a nice dirty mop bucket in there. Soap quality and the flow rate on the sink were pretty stellar, but the lack of light left my hands nearly as dirty as they were when I walked in. They take no smoking pretty seriously here. There are more no smoking signs than “employees must wash hands” someone who enjoyed both bathrooms insisted the women’s room soap was of a lower quality than the men’s room soap

 

Women’s restroom is pretty nice I’ve been told. 

Final thoughts - the best of Mattawa, Paulhub’s first winner

[Ephrata] Agave

Aesthetic:  Waiter seems like a super nice guy. He’s also wearing a uniform which places this restaurant leagues above the regular places I rate. If I were a local I’d probably come here to drink Pacifico and watch the X games. Guys behind us came here to get fucked up, so it’s got that vibe going for it too

Menu: the sporadic typos add to the authenticity. Mexican restaurants should not be run by anyone with English as their first language

Bathroom: very big for a one holer. Only one person can use this bathroom at once, but it has a his + hers sink. You can do two dudes one bathroom. There is some kind of busted soap receptacle that looks like a k-cup is supposed to go in it. No hand towels, had to use toilet paper. 

  

Cabbage slaw offered with the salsa. Sweet refreshing slaw, not vinegary as you’d expect. “Chips could be saltier” I prefer the slaw to the salsa, which has a slight kick with the texture of Ragu. I can’t stop eating it though. There’s celery in this shit

Horchata: damn fine. Refreshing and wet 

Mysteriously fast food delivery. 

Super burrito: this burrito has WiFi. Very meat heavy. Tastes like a burrito from Herren, Indiana, which makes it seem less authentic?

Tacos al pastor: gorgeous. Tastes fantastic too. Real good thumbs up kinda stuff tortillas were definitely missions from la groceria

Chipotle chicken: looks like curry? Sweet and smoky, not the spiciest but a good kick. Not the biggest fan of the sweetness. This will probably look like tiki masala when it comes out of me

Chalupa salad: exactly what I was expecting, even though the order began with “what’s a chalupa”

Asada: One plate’s meat was dry and over cooked, the other was juicy. I think it wasn’t seasoned long enough though 

desert: gum balls from the 25¢ dispenser. a bit stale

I walked out feeling a lot fatter. 6 pumps of soap out of 10

Sent from my iPhone

[Pasco] El Antojito

You can't flush toilet paper in this place. when you wipe your ass i guess it goes in the wastepaper bin. Turns out I was in the women's room too.

Food was guud though so i aint even mad.

[Mattawa] La Parilla

Bathroom: very effective soap that was nice and thick. Good for cleaning hands. Cons: no paper towels. little too much piss in the men's room. Ladies room was good.





QuesaDILLA: it was yummy. It had all the thing. Pizza style rather than folded over tortilla style, and perfectly symmetrically sliced.





Fajitas - the flour tortilla was top 1% good. The real shining star on the plate was the beef. Seasoned to perfection and juicy despite being small strips. The shrimp was genuine and well flavored. Beans were a bit to much of a liquid texture, covered with a sprinkling of mozzarella cheese.



Burrito - generous on the avocado. "I want this burrito in soup form". It would have been better with some sides. Really good and tasty. Some peas in the rice. They did a good job at not making the burrito too liquidy. Burrito tortilla was freshly made.



- Chips and Salsa: genuine. Salsa is a spicy mild with hints of tobasco. Pepper seeds blended with real tomato chunks. "It's like what an Italian person would do if they were asked to make salsa"






Afterthought: Jesus that was fucking good. Good time.

Price point: very decently priced. Full meal + drink for avg. $11

[Mattawa] Los Jacalitos gardiz antojitos

Aesthetic: Kid was POUNDING salt in between peeling tomatillos. Location of bathroom - had to walk past industrial freezers, empty fryer. Too busy not enough seating. Fuckin blender running nonstop. General cleanliness could have been better. 14 year old? With some hickeys. Gad damn. Ear goals.

Bathroom: looked like a kill room from an episode of dexter. there was a goddamn soap. There was no soap to cleanse myself. No soap to wash my rope skids off my hand. Water constantly running

Drink: Kiwi orange pineapple drink is fuckin bomb. Amazing. They didn't give us sodas we ordered, but then they said they ran out. We got some Jaritos though so it's Gucci. What Mexican place has Pepsi products for real tho

Food wait: pretty long. Dishes came out pretty far spaced apart.

Service: super friendly but meh overall.

Apps: no apps. Simple menu

Food:

Dilla - it was good. Not enough sour cream cuz she likes sour cream on the side. Folded over tortilla style.

Burritos - kinda dry? But there was a stocked sauce bar. Meat was primo and veggies were super fresh. Rice and beans were in the burrito and not on the side.

Salas's - all three were dank

Carne Assada: the belle of the ball. The piece de resistance. Man that shit looked good. Meat was super good cooked and rice was made wonderfully. Onion and jalapeño were legit. Could have been more rice? Corn tortillas were on the honor roll

Sopa: fine but kinda tough

Enchiladas: they were fucking awful. Beans had the consistsncy of drool. The red sauce was like chef Boyardee covered with shitty sargento cheese. The tortillas were super overbooked and so was the chicken. Rice also seems like it was not fresh. Hotter than the devils dick temperature wise.

Price point: about $10 a plate, another 5 for a juice

Overall: 4.5 long purple nails out of 10. If I had gone there and got a take-out order with a Carne asada and a juice it would be like a 8/10.